Your dad died. That was sad and probably avoidable but you dismissed my objections to how Jimmy was approaching communication with hospitals. Why did nobody demand seeing dad and visiting him as he was clearly agitated and unsettled? No use thinking about it now but today you accused me of not supporting you yet again. I did support you. I took over all matters connected with J and the house. I do everything so that you can have the luxury of saying I am tired and going to bed. It does not get any recognition or appreciation. "You didn't even go to see him", no, I didn't. Why would I steal the last precious moments you/ your siblings could spend with dad? Was it not comforting enough to know that everything is taken care of? Going to the funeral parlour to see him was never an option but I would have gone with you and stayed in the car had I not been ill. You did not even remember that I was in bed with fever all day that day. Why would you hold that against me? I burst into tears. Told you to leave but no, you had to keep cutting me. You came back and apologised after a wile. I asked what you are apologisng for. You said for making me upset. You so missed all the points. I told you so. I told you you do not see me as a person but as a monster and clearly nothing I say or do will change that. You asked why I was shouting. Seriously? I need to spell it out? Because I am hurt and misunderstood and have emotions and will not put a lid on them. You said I love you and went to bed. I do not believe you anymore. All of this happened because you were telling me about the updates on dad's will front while I was unpacking and disinfecting the delivery and you had put a bowl away from you right in the middle of the space I needed to put the produce in.
How the hell is it that my colleagues at work ask how I am doing and if I need help and you do not?
I have nothing left to give. You expect understanding, support, help, appreciation and care. You give none of these and I have nothing left to give. I am empty and until my resources are replenished you will not get anything. I do not even want to try and give more because it is never recognised, never appreciated. I have lost hope on this relationship improving. I do not want to marry you anymore. We are like flatmates not partners, the only difference is I pay all the bills. Great... You have to change if it is ever to work and you will have to work hard on winning me back. I'd prefer to leave now. At least I would know I have only myself to count on. It'd feel like kicking you while you are down so I will not, I am not that kind of person but really do not see any chances of closeness returning. I am worth more than you give me. I deserve more. I want more. Not with you though, not anymore. I have thought about calling a helpline, a friend but what will that change? I can just say it all in my head or in here. Nobody can change you and you think it is me who needs to change. Well, no, it is not.
My last post helped me stay calm, as if writing it all down got it out of my system. Maybe this one will too.
