It hasn't got better

 Your dad died. That was sad and probably avoidable but you dismissed my objections to how Jimmy was approaching communication with hospitals. Why did nobody demand seeing dad and visiting him as he was clearly agitated and unsettled? No use thinking about it now but today you accused me of not supporting you yet again. I did support you. I took over all matters connected with J and the house. I do everything so that you can have the luxury of saying I am tired and going to bed. It does not get any recognition or appreciation. "You didn't even go to see him", no, I didn't. Why would I steal the last precious moments you/ your siblings could spend with dad? Was it not comforting enough to know that everything is taken care of? Going to the funeral parlour to see him was never an option but I would have gone with you and stayed in the car had I not been ill. You did not even remember that I was in bed with fever all day that day. Why would you hold that against me? I burst into tears. Told you to leave but no, you had to keep cutting me. You came back and apologised after a wile. I asked what you are apologisng for. You said for making me upset. You so missed all the points. I told you so. I told you you do not see me as a person but as a monster and clearly nothing I say or do will change that. You asked why I was shouting. Seriously? I need to spell it out? Because I am hurt and misunderstood and have emotions and will not put a lid on them. You said I love you and went to bed. I do not believe you anymore. All of this happened because you were telling me about the updates on dad's will front while I was unpacking and disinfecting the delivery and you had put a bowl away from you right in the middle of the space I needed to put the produce in. 

How the hell is it that my colleagues at work ask how I am doing and if I need help and you do not?

I have nothing left to give. You expect understanding, support, help, appreciation and care. You give none of these and I have nothing left to give. I am empty and until my resources are replenished you will not get anything. I do not even want to try and give more because it is never recognised, never appreciated. I have lost hope on this relationship improving. I do not want to marry you anymore. We are like flatmates not partners, the only difference is I pay all the bills. Great... You have to change if it is ever to work and you will have to work hard on winning me back. I'd prefer to leave now. At least I would know I have only myself to count on. It'd feel like kicking you while you are down so I will not, I am not that kind of person but really do not see any chances of closeness returning. I am worth more than you give me. I deserve more. I want more. Not with you though, not anymore. I have thought about calling a helpline, a friend but what will that change? I can just say it all in my head or in here. Nobody can change you and you think it is me who needs to change. Well, no, it is not.

My last post helped me stay calm, as if writing it all down got it out of my system. Maybe this one will too. 

It's sad

 We never used to argue. I couldn't even imagine you being angry. It all changed when J was born. Don't get me wrong- you are a great dad, especially amazing in the early years, you have less patience now he is 5. It changed because you let me down, you did not fulfill my expectations as a partner and as a man about the house. First, the only thing I wanted to ever get done in the house, the kitchen, is still very much as awful as when I moved in nearly 9 years ago. Wallpaper not changed, no plastering done, electrics not finished, hole in the wall (because we were to have an extractor hood installed but turned out it could not be put in when you put in the stove), stupid fold down bed not finished but we gained more holes in the walls. I hate it.

You also let me down because you did not see I needed help, hugs, reassurance whenever J was ill. It was never anything bad, thank God, but your attitude never helped. I needed to argue my way, fight my way and it felt so lonely. Still does. I understood then I could not rely on you and it was a shock.

You always choose you, whatever works best for you, there is no negotiation, no consideration of me or J. We are never first. That hurts. You claim everything you do, you do for us, but it does not feel that way. You say J and I will be financially secure in the future. That may be true but I am fed up being the sole breadwinner now. And you ask for supporting your investments (factor fees and whatsnot). I am fed up. I am resentful because you are at home and yes, J is looked after but that is it. All those little everyday things, household chores are left to me. You won't even be with me in the kitchen when I do them most of the time. 'I am toing and froing' you say but it is not what I need. 

Company, conversation, closeness, tenderness. I get none of these. When Covid hit, you decided we should not share a bedroom. I agreed. It is now a year later and now you claim the bedroom is too small, the bed is too small. I am so used to being and feeling alone, that even on the rare occasions when you come through and do want sex, I am all stressed and like a hedgehog and when I tell you I am uncomfortable, you dismiss it. I need to keep telling myself that being held is ok, that it is good. How awful. That should be a given.

In September 2019, a year and a half ago, I accidentally downloaded your text messages to my new phone. And then I found out what you really think about me (lazy, never cleans, horrible) and that you would choose to lie about your dad not feeling well if I demanded you did something or told you off for not doing something or doing it wrong. That broke my heart. You lost my trust and never regained it. Don't think you ever will. You said that we need to forget the past and focus on the future but I don't know how. I have not forgiven you, neither have I forgotten. Had we not had J, I'd be gone. I am stuck, I feel stuck and alone. The worst kind of loneliness as it is in a relationship.

I get no hugs, no kisses unless I demand these. How many times can I do that? Why would you not offer these? You used to. I am unhappy, I feel unappreciated, I feel your expectations (help fix the house) are not feasible if you don't help with the daily chores and I work full time. I told you all about it but you either say you are unwell and basically kick me out of the bedroom or you say 'stop it Joanna, you are stirring things again'. Exasperation is all I get.

You sat with me in the kitchen tonight not saying a word. I asked about an update on your dad but you gave me maybe 3 sentences. You went to bed after 30 min. and I could hear you speak to Capitan Matt for 40 min. Sad.

You bought me chocolates, a card and a rose for Valentines. That was nice but all of these were on the kitchen table, not given to me, there was no kiss. You don't celebrate me. My birthday was awful and all I wanted was for us to go somewhere together for a walk or a run. I don't feel loved but am here because J loves you. Not sure how long I can last like that.

'Mum is useless at maths.' you said to J today. Useless, the exact word you used and it hurt. I never said anything like that about you to J. That is all I am to you, useless. Good to know.